Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
