You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
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he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
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We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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