Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My life is pants optional.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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