I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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