if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
