I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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