I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
