You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
