my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
