god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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