never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
