Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
