Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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