no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
