i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
