I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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