Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
