Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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