I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Randomize
