HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
