theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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