Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
