Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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