I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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