I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
