i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
