I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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