Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
