do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
