Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
