My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
