Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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