my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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