You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
