Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
