I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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