sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
