Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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