I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
