Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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