Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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