Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
