I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
