I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
