so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
