I faked an abortion last night.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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