That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
