I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
