Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
