I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
