I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
