Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
3pm strippers are depressing
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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