i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I need a beard to bite.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
