Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
