it hurts more in the daytime
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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