I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
